A reflection on the sad stories...
I stumbled upon this video on youtube about the sad stories of some guy's life and how sad the ending was. I guess there's a point in everyone's life when s/he experiences his/her worst moments in life. Well, I guess I'll share mine even though I know this stone on my chest can never be lifted.
Since I was young, I grew up at my maternal grandmother's place cause my paternal grandmother was critically ill and passed away a year or two after I was born. So, I grew up under the tender hands of my grandma, grandpa aunty and uncle. And boy was I a blessed child. I guess nothing beats the love of any family member, especially that of a mother and child and even a grand mother and her grand son.
My Grandma (maternal) has lived a rather difficult life. Her diabetes was the main cause of concern, and being a growing child, I didn't really know the severity of such ailments until later.
As the years went by, she watched my grow through kindergarten into primary school. I can vaguely remember the tantrums I would throw every time my mother wanted to drag me home from grandma's place. I guess it's because of the intimate bonds between me and grandma which made me rather reluctant to go to school and just want to play at grandma's place.
Inevitably, we all have to grow up. Not too soon later, I had cousins. Grandma then had to look after my new-born cousins from then on and I continued with my childhood. As more and more lovely cousins popped up and extend the family, the time I had with grandma also dwindled.
When it was the transition from upper-primary school to secondary school, it was almost impossible to find time to go to grandma's. Grandma would find time to visit us once in awhile, but it was not often. And every moment was well cherished.
Throughout all these years, grandma suffered the battle with many different adversities. Cancer operation, Gall Stones and other operations, it was tough on her body. She was on medication all the time and was reliant on jabs of insulin before meals. Her body took a toll.
In my graduating year in secondary school, Grandma had a health check which said that she had a critical condition of a swollen artery (or some sort). If it were to give way, the bleeding would not stop and she would pass immediately. Miraculously, Grandma lived through the condition and the good news was that the swelling subsided.
However, the story is not so bleak from here on.
Last year, Grandma had a little more time because my cousin was already quite big, so she would visit us very often. She would come by early Saturday mornings and stay for a week or so before visiting other relatives. I can vividly remember she brimming smile every time I woke up. Her morning greeting with her cheerful teochew would automatically brighten my day.
Being the cheeky Reynold, I would often tease my grandma. (Grandma spoke mainly Teochew) I would rush to greet her on certain days with my trademarked "Merry Christmas Ah Ma!" and await her mix of chuckles and "reprimanding".
Although Grandma did spend quite an amount of time at my place, it's rather foolish of me to spend my time away with my then girlfriend. I guess when we are in any relationship, our partners seem to be the most important person in the entire world. And So, I missed out on dinners and time with Grandma.
Apart from that was the workload of the new year 1 semester. (One interesting thing though was that I got Grandma to act in my filming project. A rather comical episode of the entire filming experience)
Christmas, New year, Chinese New Year, Grandma's Birthday, and many other events filled the calender. My mother planned as many events and gatherings in view of grandma's detiorating health. The events allowed her to reminisce the past and catch up on everyone. Also, it was to keep her as happy as she can be.
Then the news came.
Grandma had liver cirrhosis and had to stay in the hospital. It was the first time I was able to visit grandma in the hospital. Grandma was in and out of the hospital for quite sometime.
Inevitably, the time came when grandma entered the ICU and did have the chance to leave. Because of some religious beliefs, my mum told me that I shouldn't enter the ward. So I didn't have the luxury of accompanying grandma on her last days.
The only opportunity came when she was in severe condition, where I rushed into the ward only to find grandma sleeping. Her limp body lay motionless with tubes and buttons all around her. Needles in her arm and machines beeping at every second. Occasionally, Grandma would wake up but appear in a daze and shut her eyes after a few seconds.
The tearing and sobbing, sniffing and wheezing and the uncontrollable emotions that flood all relatives paints the room a constant grey. I have never seen my younger brother cry so much in my entire life than in those few days. Neither my sister and cousins.
I teared every time I entered the room, but didn't let my emotions take over me. It's not pride or ego, it is just that I remembered how heart wrenching it is to see a grandchild weep over his grandma. And I know Grandma was aware of all around her.
Good Friday - Grandma's doctor decided that it would be very painful and difficult for grandma to be kept on the machines. The inevitable fact that she has no point of recovery has arrived. Her kidneys have failed, Livers shutdown and the toxins were flowing into her body. There was no return for grandma.
Grandma was transfered to a normal ward, where she would live her last minutes. Devastated, we all accompanied her to the ward and waited around. Hours passed and grandma was going strong. The adults decided that we should all go for dinner, with the analogy that grandma might want to pass peacefully without anyone watching her.
So we went for dinner.
Upon return, i realised that the machine that checks her heart beat was unplugged. Walking closer, I saw grandma inhale and exhale, and that was it. Grandma breathed her last before me. It was then I had my first burst of tears, but nothing too wild.
My Greatest Regret in my entire life, was making the mistake of not thanking my grandma for looking after me all these years. In the ICU, I wanted badly to bend over her body and kiss her cheek, to say a final thank you for all that she's done. And I Love You.
Watching my very first breath, changing my diapers, feeding me food, guiding me through life. Most importantly, giving me the chance to live through mum.
I will never be able to say a Thank you to her, and I will be indebted forever for her greatness.
All the bottled up emotions from the entire episode explodes when I'm thinking of my grandma. Even today, do I cry alone in the toilet under the running water. I cry for my regret, my loss of a very beloved one - Ah Ma.
Reynold
Since I was young, I grew up at my maternal grandmother's place cause my paternal grandmother was critically ill and passed away a year or two after I was born. So, I grew up under the tender hands of my grandma, grandpa aunty and uncle. And boy was I a blessed child. I guess nothing beats the love of any family member, especially that of a mother and child and even a grand mother and her grand son.
My Grandma (maternal) has lived a rather difficult life. Her diabetes was the main cause of concern, and being a growing child, I didn't really know the severity of such ailments until later.
As the years went by, she watched my grow through kindergarten into primary school. I can vaguely remember the tantrums I would throw every time my mother wanted to drag me home from grandma's place. I guess it's because of the intimate bonds between me and grandma which made me rather reluctant to go to school and just want to play at grandma's place.
Inevitably, we all have to grow up. Not too soon later, I had cousins. Grandma then had to look after my new-born cousins from then on and I continued with my childhood. As more and more lovely cousins popped up and extend the family, the time I had with grandma also dwindled.
When it was the transition from upper-primary school to secondary school, it was almost impossible to find time to go to grandma's. Grandma would find time to visit us once in awhile, but it was not often. And every moment was well cherished.
Throughout all these years, grandma suffered the battle with many different adversities. Cancer operation, Gall Stones and other operations, it was tough on her body. She was on medication all the time and was reliant on jabs of insulin before meals. Her body took a toll.
In my graduating year in secondary school, Grandma had a health check which said that she had a critical condition of a swollen artery (or some sort). If it were to give way, the bleeding would not stop and she would pass immediately. Miraculously, Grandma lived through the condition and the good news was that the swelling subsided.
However, the story is not so bleak from here on.
Last year, Grandma had a little more time because my cousin was already quite big, so she would visit us very often. She would come by early Saturday mornings and stay for a week or so before visiting other relatives. I can vividly remember she brimming smile every time I woke up. Her morning greeting with her cheerful teochew would automatically brighten my day.
Being the cheeky Reynold, I would often tease my grandma. (Grandma spoke mainly Teochew) I would rush to greet her on certain days with my trademarked "Merry Christmas Ah Ma!" and await her mix of chuckles and "reprimanding".
Although Grandma did spend quite an amount of time at my place, it's rather foolish of me to spend my time away with my then girlfriend. I guess when we are in any relationship, our partners seem to be the most important person in the entire world. And So, I missed out on dinners and time with Grandma.
Apart from that was the workload of the new year 1 semester. (One interesting thing though was that I got Grandma to act in my filming project. A rather comical episode of the entire filming experience)
Christmas, New year, Chinese New Year, Grandma's Birthday, and many other events filled the calender. My mother planned as many events and gatherings in view of grandma's detiorating health. The events allowed her to reminisce the past and catch up on everyone. Also, it was to keep her as happy as she can be.
Then the news came.
Grandma had liver cirrhosis and had to stay in the hospital. It was the first time I was able to visit grandma in the hospital. Grandma was in and out of the hospital for quite sometime.
Inevitably, the time came when grandma entered the ICU and did have the chance to leave. Because of some religious beliefs, my mum told me that I shouldn't enter the ward. So I didn't have the luxury of accompanying grandma on her last days.
The only opportunity came when she was in severe condition, where I rushed into the ward only to find grandma sleeping. Her limp body lay motionless with tubes and buttons all around her. Needles in her arm and machines beeping at every second. Occasionally, Grandma would wake up but appear in a daze and shut her eyes after a few seconds.
The tearing and sobbing, sniffing and wheezing and the uncontrollable emotions that flood all relatives paints the room a constant grey. I have never seen my younger brother cry so much in my entire life than in those few days. Neither my sister and cousins.
I teared every time I entered the room, but didn't let my emotions take over me. It's not pride or ego, it is just that I remembered how heart wrenching it is to see a grandchild weep over his grandma. And I know Grandma was aware of all around her.
Good Friday - Grandma's doctor decided that it would be very painful and difficult for grandma to be kept on the machines. The inevitable fact that she has no point of recovery has arrived. Her kidneys have failed, Livers shutdown and the toxins were flowing into her body. There was no return for grandma.
Grandma was transfered to a normal ward, where she would live her last minutes. Devastated, we all accompanied her to the ward and waited around. Hours passed and grandma was going strong. The adults decided that we should all go for dinner, with the analogy that grandma might want to pass peacefully without anyone watching her.
So we went for dinner.
Upon return, i realised that the machine that checks her heart beat was unplugged. Walking closer, I saw grandma inhale and exhale, and that was it. Grandma breathed her last before me. It was then I had my first burst of tears, but nothing too wild.
My Greatest Regret in my entire life, was making the mistake of not thanking my grandma for looking after me all these years. In the ICU, I wanted badly to bend over her body and kiss her cheek, to say a final thank you for all that she's done. And I Love You.
Watching my very first breath, changing my diapers, feeding me food, guiding me through life. Most importantly, giving me the chance to live through mum.
I will never be able to say a Thank you to her, and I will be indebted forever for her greatness.
All the bottled up emotions from the entire episode explodes when I'm thinking of my grandma. Even today, do I cry alone in the toilet under the running water. I cry for my regret, my loss of a very beloved one - Ah Ma.
Reynold
posted by Reynold at
9:56 AM
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